Psalm 23:1
“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.”
I’ve always found that little verse so convicting. Maybe you’re used to hearing it a different way: “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.” No matter the version I read it in, I’m always faced with the fact that this verse is so often not true about myself. Even though I know the Lord is my shepherd, provider, caretaker, Savior, etc., I still find myself thinking I do lack something—I do still want! More often than not, the things I believe are missing or lacking in my life often have to do with my relationships. That’s why I thought Psalm 23:1 was a perfect verse to reflect on as we begin our time looking at common expectations we have in friendships. I shared some of the biblical purposes for friendships in my last post—what friendships were designed by God for. This week I want to discuss the expectations that we often put on friendships that can cause us to believe we are lacking something when those expectations aren’t met.
Based on personal experience with friends in our lives, most of us walk into friendships with specific ideas of what we want from that relationship. You probably don’t voice these expectations, but based off what you believe a friend should be, they will develop—maybe not immediately, but as time passes in the relationship, expectations will form in your mind and heart. For example, you might expect a friend to:
be trustworthy
want to spend time together
like the things you like
be your cheerleader
For those we consider best friends, we might have even more unspoken expectations. They need to:
be willing to drop anything to help you
be ready to talk whenever you need it
be quick to step in and take your side in a conflict
be there to always build you up and never put you down
While some of those expectations are not wrong things to be hoping for in a friendship, I find that we commonly turn those expectations into needs or even demands. Of course we probably don’t say or think exactly like this: I demand you be a trustworthy friend! I need you to like the things I like. I demand that you drop everything to help me. I need you to take my side! However, just because we don’t say or think those thoughts explicitly, that doesn’t prevent us from operating as if what we want is vital to the friendship.
It’s also very common that we talk about friends in general as something we either need or don’t need. We talk about how we need a best friend, or that we need friend-time. Or there are those of us who say, “I don’t need any friends.” While I do believe God created us for community and to be in relationship with others, no where in Scripture does God mandate for us to have friends or “best friends.” So when we start thinking about friendships as something we need, and then start believing the expectations we have for those friends are needs, we dangerously walk the line of making demands of God that He does not promise. We are then living as if Psalm 23:1 is not true—because our eyes are not on our Good Shepherd, but rather on the greener grass on the next hill over.
As believers, we must remind ourselves that God has promised to give us everything we need, not what we demand or expect. One of my favorite Bible passages that discusses our wants and worries is Matthew chapter 6. Here Jesus lovingly encourages those who follow Him to not worry about what we perceive as lacking, comparing us to the flowers of the field and the birds of the air.
Matthew 6:31-33
So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Are you trusting God’s provision, even for your relationships? Are there friendships that have you worried or angry because you have set up specific expectations that aren’t being met? Are you fearing what might happen if you lose a friend?
Too often we can find ourselves disappointed when friends don’t meet our perceived “needs”: they don’t show up; they don’t do what you want; they break your trust; they choose others over you; they make fun of you; they fight with you, etc. While relational hurt is real, and betrayal and loss are painful, we must guard against viewing the expectations we have for friends as needs, or they start controlling how we feel, what we think, and how we treat others. We start living as if we don’t believe that God’s kingdom and His righteousness are most important.
So what can we do to protect against and deal with these wrong expectations? As a counter to what we think we need in friendships, I want to point to a biblical example of how friends should view one another: the example of Paul’s friends, the Philippians. These believers loved and served Paul and expected nothing in return. They repeatedly went out of their way to care for his actual human needs (food, clothing, shelter, etc.), no matter what he could do for them. Listen to how Paul describes their love towards him:
Philippians 4:10-19
I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles. Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only; for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid more than once when I was in need. Not that I desire your gifts; what I desire is that more be credited to your account. I have received full payment and have more than enough. I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God. And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.
Time and time again throughout Paul’s ministry, his friends in the church of Philippi supplied his needs. It seems like many of these times, he wasn’t even with them in person. They simply heard about his needs and the ministry he was doing, and they found a way to aid him in doing so. Rather than expecting Paul to repay them, or to do anything for them, they chose to love him sacrificially. And what is Paul’s reaction? He didn’t feel guilty or that he owed them in anything—he simply wanted to praise God for using their gifts of service while praying for God to provide for them too.
How often do you view friendships as a way for you to practice selflessly giving and serving? When you remember the One Another commands we talked about as purposes for being a friend, you’ll notice that they are all commands that we as individual readers are called to obey. We don’t have the option of waiting around for others to treat us in those ways first. We are called to love, give, and serve, to put others before ourselves. Instead of putting expectations on our friends based on what we think we should get out of a relationship, we have to train our hearts and minds to want to view our friendships as ways to give to and serve others. We do this by seeking God, trusting Him, and loving Him more (seeking His kingdom and righteousness). Growing in our relationship with God will give us the desire and ability to live out the One Another commands as the expectations for ourselves in our friendships. The more we seek Him and His ways, the more we can truly say “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.”
Relationships are beautiful (because God created us to be relational) and messy (because we are sinful), and praise God for the gift that they are! I pray that this post challenges you to think about what you’re wanting from your friendships, and that you go to God’s Word for continued guidance on how He has called us to live with one another. In my next email, I plan on sharing about some of the harder, more painful aspects that we deal with in friendships. Thanks for joining me on this journey, and I look forward to sharing more of what I’m learning from God’s Word in the coming weeks.
Fighting Expectations